Each version has its own merits so I can’t say that one, as a whole, is better than the other. Here’s my take on their differences – the numbers represent the source version:
“naramdaman ko agad (1)” vs. “agad kong naramdaman (2)” – same meaning, but for a literary work, I find (2) as a more effective way of saying it.
“merong/mayroong” vs. “may” – both are correct, but the flow of words would sound smoother with “may”.
“kasuklam-suklam (1)” vs. “nakakasuklam (abhorring/disgusting) (2)” – the repetition of the root word “sukl
ám (disgust)” intensifies its meaning, so (1) can be more effective literarily.
“pero (1) vs. “ngunit (2)” – either one, but “pero” is a lot more often used colloquially.
“… ngunit/pero hindi ko maipaliwanag (but I can’t explain)” – this phrase is common to both versions. I think it is more grammatically correct if an “ito” or “siya” is added in there - “ngunit/pero hindi ko ITO/SIYA maipaliwanag (but I can’t explain IT)”. Giving an object (it) to the verb adds clarity to that phrase.
“tangka niyang pagpatay (1)” vs. “kanyang pagtatangkang patayin (2)” – they don’t really mean the same thing. “Tangka” is “intention” while “pagtatangka” is “attempt” or the carrying out of the intention. “Pagpatay” is the “manner of killing” while “patayin” is “to kill”. The correct phrase would depend on what happened. Was it just an intention, or was an attempt already made?
“pagpapawala kay Marcus” – this is common to both, but I am not clear about what it means. The word “p
ágpawal
â” is often used to mean “to relieve” as in “pagpawala ng sakit (to relieve the pain)”. I would think that the phrase means “bringing about Marcus’s getting lost” but context is needed. Is Marcus a child or a dog that got lost?
“naglalabas siya ng aura ng mapanuksong kasamaan (1)” vs. “lumalabas sa kanya ang aura ng masama (2)” – I think an aura radiates out of a person and that happens beyond his control. So “lumalabas (coming out)” is the more correct verb to use than “naglalabas (bringing out)”. “Kasama
án” is the noun “malevolence/wickedness” while “masam
â” is the adjective “bad”. It has to be “kasamaan (1)” for “aura of wickedness”. “Mapanukso(ng/ na)” is “alluring”. Adding it is optional.
“kita (1)” vs. “makik
ita (2)” – “kita” is just an informal way of saying “makikita”.
“… “brusko” niyang pagtayo at paglalakad (1)” vs. “ kanyang matigas na pagtayo at paglakad (2)” – “brusko” (from Spanish “brusco”) is “brusque”, which is more descriptive than just “pagtayo (way of standing/stance)”. “Paglakad” is “the way one walks” while “paglalakad” is “the way one is walking”. It is “paglakad” and not “paglalakad” that agrees in form with “pagtayo”. So, I’d pick “brusko” from (1) and “paglakad” from (2) – “brusko” niyang pagtayo at paglakad.
“tamad niyang pag-upo (1)” vs. “kanyang tamad na pag-upo (2)” – it’s just a matter of word arrangement. I’d choose (1) only for the reason of its being consistent with the preceding “brusko” phrase.
“buong paraang dinadala niya ang kanyang sarili (1)” vs. “kanyang paraan ng pagdadala sa kanyang sarili” – I’d choose (2) as it sounds more natural to me. Phrase (2) also translates better as “the way he carries himself”.
“na higit kong kinaiinisang dahil (2) – there should be no “g” or the linker “na” after “kinaiinisan”. So Phrase (1) says it correctly.
“maligaya niyang ngiti” vs. “kanyang masayang ngiti” – either way, the word arrangements are correct. Between “maligaya (joyjul)” and “happy (masaya)” before “ngiti (smile)”, I’d choose “masaya”. However, I think using “maganda(ng) (nice)” instead could better describe a deceptive smile.
“pagsasalita (1)” vs. “pananalita (2)” – “pagsasalit
â” is “the way/manner a person talks” while “pananalit
â” more often refers to the use of words or the speech itself. “Malum
anay” is “calm and gentle”, which goes better with the “manner” of “pagsasalit
â”.
Well, based on my knowledge of Tagalog, that’s how I would evaluate the 2 versions.